My View From Here

Here I am, a forty-six-year-old woman wondering if I'm the only one struggling to find myself at this age and knowing in my heart that I am surely not alone in this.

Once again I’m at a crossroads. The question hangs in the air…what next?

At the start of our marriage 22 years ago, I worked full-time in the corporate world. Eight years into our marriage I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, my husband was laid off, I became pregnant and we moved from Michigan to Texas for a new job in less than a year's time.

I went from being a full-time working mom to a high-risk pregnancy stay-at-home mom. For years I said I would never be a mom. Then I said I would never be a stay-at-home mom. Then I loved being a stay-at-home mom so much that I didn't want to go back into the mainstream workforce. My identity became wrapped up in being a wife and mother.

Five years later, our last child was entering kindergarten and it was time for me to move from just working odd jobs from home to working outside the home again. The easiest way for me to do that and still be an at-home mom was to work as a substitute for my kid's school. What a blessing to be at the same school as my son most days that I was at work. I could work a flexible schedule that fit the needs of my family. I found that I really enjoyed working with the kids and in the school environment.

When it was time for my son to move on to another school, I started teaching pre-k. It's the most rewarding, tiring work I've ever done. I loved every minute of it...even the hard moments. But then Covid hit. The school enrollment went down and they couldn't keep me full-time. The school ultimately shut down for a year and I was thrust back into the unknown of what to do next.

I have some health issues that are exacerbated when I get sick so as a family, we decided I would find a work-from-home job instead of going back to teaching.

It was time for me to go back to the corporate world. Ugh! After being out of the corporate world for 13 years it was challenging to find my way. My jobs had all been part-time. I had a hard time finding my own value. What did I have to offer a corporation when I had been gone from that world for so long? I was fortunate to have people in my world that helped me craft a resume and reminded me of all the many skills I had to offer. But still, I had a hard time feeling like I was worthy or adequate enough.

With the help of a referral, I was quickly able to find a job working remotely for a large mortgage company. I was redefining myself, learning new skills, trying to make it all work, and struggling to find happiness in what I was currently doing.

Here I sit, a little over 2 years later. The market has changed. I made it through multiple mass lay-offs at my company. But this time, my number was called.

I’m not sure what God’s plan for me is yet. But I am determined to remind myself that I’m capable, I’m worth it, I can do hard things, and I can do things I don’t like. But I also know that I am ready to find what brings me joy and what helps others, what allows me more time with my family, and what allows me to keep a healthy body and soul.

I hope you'll take this journey with me of pushing past the woman I have defined myself as through motherhood and the limits I've placed on myself and finding the woman that I want to be going forward.

This blog is a reminder to look at what you've already built, find your strengths, tear down the walls holding you back, and learning not to dwell on what we think society feels we should have done by now.