Starting On My Goals

In order for me to reach goal number one on my list, I need to figure out how to reach goal number two.

Sure of what brings me joy, pleasure, and a sense of accomplishment.

That sentence right there feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest. For the last twenty-plus years these feelings were wrapped up in my family and community. I became centered on what would satisfy others and bring them delight. What I have given of myself for others to be happy has fulfilled these feelings and I have had a great sense of accomplishment in having a servant's heart.

Joy has been watching my children hit milestones. Pleasure has been seeing other people enjoying the end result of something I have planned. My sense of accomplishment has been watching my family life evolve and seeing my kids thrive.

Now that my family is older I am not needed in the same ways. I have time to do activities that bring me personal joy, pleasure, and a sense of accomplishment. I have absolutely no idea what to do!

I have a hard time remembering what satisfied these feelings pre-marriage and family.

I come up with a list in my head of what I may want to do and then think to myself that the list comes from preconceived notions of what I have heard from society or have seen others doing. There is nothing saying I must do those same activities or that they will bring me fulfillment. 

In the blink of an eye as I process my brain works in this way:

A good Christian would do this…                                           A good daughter would do this… 

A good friend would do this…

A good mom would do this….                                        A good sister would do this…

                        A good neighbor would do this…

A good wife would do this…                                         

Then I change "good" to the many other forms of this adjective. From there I spiral into what determines a “good” person. It quickly moves to my brain questioning why I care if I am a “good” whatever it is and I get wrapped up in my need to be a people pleaser and accepted by others. 

I ultimately determine that I feel as though I am being selfish for wanting joy, pleasure, and a sense of accomplishment that are simply for myself and not on behalf of others. I try to remind myself that I am not at my best for others if I can’t find these for myself too. 

I begin again to come up with a list. My mind goes blank. And then, I shut down.