Tearing Down Walls

                                                    

    

Demolition time!

The view I have of myself is often very different from what others have of me. My perspective gets clouded with pessimistic thoughts and I easily fall into the trap of unconscious negative self-talk. Sound familiar?

Many years ago I remember a co-worker telling me that they felt someone else found me intimidating. I was flabbergasted! She went on to tell me the reasons she thought this. I was in shock about her view of me. I went into the conversation thinking it was for negative reasons but it was the opposite of that. Their picture of me was filled with the positives of a very confident woman, which intimidated them.

Fast-forward several years, I was in the thick of motherhood with young kids and I was floundering trying to figure out God’s plan for me. I was very active in our church, especially the women’s ministry. We were planning a weekend women’s retreat and I was asked to be the speaker. Me??? Why would you want me to be the speaker for the weekend? Once again, the reasons given to me shocked me.

The same women that were asking me to speak at this event were asked to send in words they would use to describe me and I was gifted a beautiful picture that displayed them. Confident, self-assured, the life of the party, inspiring, driven, influential, determined, and courageous are not words I internally use to describe myself. The women I surrounded myself with saw me as all these things and more!

If they only knew.

I am the person who sweats and shakes just thinking about going into a new environment and feels safest with a companion. Ask me to answer a question off the top of my head, introduce myself to someone I don’t know, play a get-to-know-you game, say a prayer in a group, or sing a solo and I completely shut down. 

I ask a LOT of questions. I ask for reassurance that I understand correctly every time I have to learn something new. I was the kid that hid behind my mom. Inside, I am still that shy, introverted girl. I am the person that always shows up but only speaks up when they are 100% sure of what they are saying and feels strongly convicted that there is a need to stand up for something. 

In the fifth grade, I had an amazing teacher. He forced me out of my comfort zone on a daily basis. I hated it! Every day we had to look him in the eyes when we talked. We had to learn how to give a firm handshake. He made us face our fears in a group. Our classroom had a door to the outside and woods behind the school. He would make me go outside and talk to the woods until he felt I was loud enough. He stretched me past all of my limits until I was able to at least appear to be self-assured while in a group.

With the help of my teacher and my parents, I became a leader in my daily environment. I gained the ability to show the world a friendly, confident, strong, authentic, hard-working, loyal woman. 

Inside, I am still the shy, introverted, scared-to-ask-questions, fearful girl. My husband likes to tell me I should have been a risk analyst because my brain automatically thinks of the possible danger to every situation and whether I’m willing to risk it.

It’s time to risk it for the brisket as my son likes to say! I have nothing to lose and so much to gain!

Here’s my list of how I see myself internally and how I want to see myself. I hope you have started making your list too.

My internal self-view…the walls that must be torn down.

I've always said that I am good at many things, but not great at one thing. I'm 46 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I joke that there is nothing I am so passionate about that I would have it tattooed on my body. I often wonder what it feels like to be so passionate about one thing that it consumes every thought and action.

I try to make lists of what I want or like but they always turn into lists of what I don't want or don't like. It's not that I'm not thinking of positive things, I truly just don't know what I want or what I really like.

My brain automatically focuses on what is right and wrong, risks versus rewards, how other people perceive me, and how my thoughts and actions will affect others. 

I feel guilty before I've even said or done something. Even when I know there isn't anything wrong with what I'm saying or doing. 

I get paralyzed by simple acts like trying to decide what to wear, how to fix my hair, what to cook, what to say, how to act, or what to do with my day.

I'm more likely to do something because I feel it is expected of me and will make someone else happy than because I know it will bring me joy.

I have a servant's heart and will do whatever I can to help others when asked, but have a difficult time reaching out to ask if they need help because I don't want to bother people.

I blame myself when something has happened because it's easier to place the blame on myself and tell myself I am at fault or not worthy than it is for me to confront the other person.

I cry easily. Not just when I'm sad or happy. I cry when I'm upset; when I feel righteous indignation on someone else's behalf; when I feel I'm being wronged; when I'm frustrated; when I feel others don't understand what I'm trying to say or do; when my feelings have been hurt and so on. I can't control it. It just happens. All of a sudden tears start rolling out of my eyes and I can't stop.

I worry about how others perceive me. Am I deep enough, kind enough, smart enough, and worthy enough? Do the words I say and things I do have value to others?

I constantly worry when going out about what others see when they look at me or talk to me. 

I fear the judgment that I’m not smart or wise enough because I don’t have my degree.

I could go on and on. I'm great at listing the things I don't like, don't want, feel I lack, etc. All of these start to add up in my self conscious and become starter fluid to negative self-talk of I’m not capable, not good enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough, etc. 

Today is a new day and a fresh start of taking the negative beliefs and finding the positives I want to start focusing on.

Goals for myself and building strong, lasting walls on my foundation.

Passionate about life and my future. Having fun in all that I do and not letting worry weigh me down.

Sure of what brings me joy, pleasure, and a sense of accomplishment. Willing to choose what will bring me joy and what I think will bring others joy instead of being paralyzed by the fear of letting others down.

Willing to take risks even when the outcome is uncertain.

Vulnerable and authentic so others see the true me. Knowing I am enough and worthy in all things.

Confident in who I am and what I want to do. Knowing that I can say or do what I want without always worrying about the fallout so I can be true to myself. Feeling that what I bring to a relationship has value and that I can step outside my comfort zone without fear of negative judgment.

Able to say no to something I don't want to do without feeling guilty for having my own feelings or desires. 

Staying true to myself and my feelings. Allowing myself to question others without fear of the repercussions.

I made my list, what’s next?

For me, the next step is a vision board. I do best with pictures and words that resonate with me. I make a sheet or two, laminate them, and put them on my bathroom mirror so I am forced to see my goals every day. As I hit a goal, I can cross it off, and then I feel that sense of accomplishment each time I see it. 

This is me taking a healthy step in how I move forward. It’s going to take time to rebuild. It will require giving myself grace. 

I'm ready! I am stepping back outside that classroom door and shouting to the woods.

I am ready to take chances, make mistakes, get messy and be brave!